attack on moe sales pitch

Written by Otaku Apologist. This writeup is a promotion for a free game playable at Nutaku.net.

Hey! I’m The Apologist. I’m guest blogging here about anime porn!! I’ve been an adult product reviewer since 2014. I sponsored the Sinnergate 2016 anniversary art contest. If you got questions, email me at [email protected]

 

STORY – 1/10

You play as an epic sword dude. Your passion in life is the harem keikaku. WOW!!

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GAMEPLAY – 8/10

The gameplay consists of repeatedly clicking the screen until your wrists are bust, and your will to live drained from your cold dead bones. Sword dude swings his cutter as you click, slaying giant enemies that magically disappear upon death.

You hire a small army of “heroes” to automatically slay enemies on screen. You can upgrade their levels, and unlock their special abilities. Your heroes keep farming enemies and gold while you’re offline. Nifty!

You progress through levels, which consist of nine normal enemies, and one boss. The health of the enemies grows progressively as you advance.

 

ART – 7/10

The game art is a mix of pixel art, and traditional anime art. The animated sprite of the main character has smooth moves, whereas the enemies just hover, whincing when you whack them in the face.

The menus and characters look very cute, and I feel that the developers put their heart into this. Sure, it’s total absolute cancer that wastes precious days of your one life, but like a good drug dealer, they didn’t slip cyanide in the dope.Screenshot (6140)

Moe crystals are gained when you reset the game. The deeper you got in your playthrough, the more crystals for you! The game is designed to be frequently reset. At avatar level 600, you unlock “rebirth”. Click “rebirth”, the game shows how many crystals you’ll earn. Press okay, and you’re back to level one.

Moetifacts give two types of permanent boosts; a percentage-based damage boost, and some other effect. These other effects can extend the duration of your cooldown skills, increase your critical strike chance, increase gold gain, etc. It’s fun collecting them, and upgrading their effects.

 

MUSIC – 6/10

The game has two musical tracks. One is a cutesy tune for your private moments with the moe spirits, the other is the one you listen to while playing. It’s an epic hype tune that goes through highs and lows. It didn’t get boring even after my 100th hour of listening to it. The track is looped smoothly, and has so much variation, that it feels like the wind in your sails.

 

HENTAI – 3/10

The moe spirits are cute, but you never fuck them. It’s like reliving those depressing teenage years of being friendzoned by every girl that for months, and months, you tried to emotionally manipulate into sucking your dick. The bitches get naked, but that’s it. They also moan in a cute noises when clicked.

 

SFX – 7/10

Plenty of sound effects are blatantly missing. You’ll prominently hear your avatar’s sword swoops, and the cachink-sound of gold coins. But other than that, there’s not much sound. I can understand they omitted the SFX for your minions: As the size of your chibi militia escalates, the game would be dominated by sounds. But even so, it’s eery watching your massive chibi army silently attacking enemies in unison, like listening to electric cars without roaring combustion engines silently running over pedestrians.

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FINAL SCORE – 6/10

“Attack on Moe” is the most useless waste of your life. Your time is better spent studying cold approach pickup. Wouldn’t you love it to just walk up to women, have them drop their panties because you know the brain buttons to press? You could totally do that, I believe in you. You’ve read this far, your choice comes down to this: a lifetime of pussy, or videogames.

Click to give up on dating life!